Ankh Signet

I have been on the lookout for a ring for years, alas I have never seen one that fulfills my wants so in my boredom this morning I decided to design one for myself.

I'm pleased with what I have come up with but Photoshop isn't really the program to design such a thing on, I could have done with a 3D object making jobbie, however I did what I could with what I had.  I think I'd like the design to be slightly more heavy set than it is here, but I'm sure any experienced jewelry maker should be able to sort that out.

I have no idea if making a silver ring of this sort is a costly endevour, so I doubt I could afford to have it made at the moment, but it's now on my wish list of things I will treat myself to once I return into the world of the work.

Without further ado, the great unveiling…

Ankh Ring

What do you all think? 

I'd hoped to convey simplicity and smoothness with a hint of cool, certainly not bling.

This is where you will all now link me to hundreds of such rings already on the market for a couple of quid, showing me how useless I am at using Google… lol

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Alain Robert

Some of you may have heard of Alain Robert, he's probably more well known as the French Spider-man.  His niche in life is to climb the worlds tallest buildings without and ropes or safety gear. I think the guy is totally bonkers!

His latest feat was climbing the Petronas Towers in Malaysia, he managed to climb the exterior of the the second tower in around two hours, a whopping 1,483ft, or 88 storey's.  In his death-defying career the 47 year old has climbed more than 80 buildings, some resulting in falls which he has survived and most resulting in jail terms or extradition.

I remember him trying to climb a particular building a few years ago and about three quarters of the way up he became unstuck as the cold wind and rain began to freeze on the outside of the building and he kept slipping. I literally has both feet in my mouth on his behalf, I think I was more petrified than he was.  The upshot of that particular attempt was that he was saved by a window cleaner on his dolly.

I don't think I can think of anything more scary to attempt.  In my twenties I was up for doing pretty much anything, I was quite a thrill seeker, but that soon stopped after I took on the challenge of the bungee jump which I organised to raise money for my niece's hospice after she had a liver transplant. I think my main mistake was to stage the jump in the middle of a road in town. I think if it was over a river or suchlike, jumping off the crane wouldn't have been much of an issue, but when you are hurtling downwards at 9m/sec squared with hard ground below you, you soon feel the need to shit your pants.  My overriding memory was that I felt like I was going to hit the building next to the road, which of course was an illusion, but I vowed from that day on that I would never do such a silly thing again.

It has left me with a phobia of tall manmade structures, I always feel the urge to jump off them. Even when I see tall buildings on a TV my 'flight or fight' instinct switches on and the adrenaline rushes into my legs, positively making my feet numb with dilated blood-flow.

So watching Mr. Robert climbing these buildings is horrific to me, I just can't drag my eyes away and yet I want to run away and hide at the same time.  I just can't understand the driving force behind his need to risk his life on such a thing, especially more so as he's a married man with children who depend on him.

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Welsh Has Arrived

Well, sort of.

Google have added the Welsh language to its translation page, I suppose this means that my native language is now guaranteed to survive through the digital age. I'm slightly surprised that they have added it actually, after all there are only about 750,000 Welsh speakers on the planet. If you want to put that into context, there are around 8 million people living in London, so the whole of the Welsh speaking planet is only the equivalent of 10% of the population of London.  However, I bet you my left testicle that almost everyone knows a Welshie or two, we seem to get around!

So I suppose you would like a verdict from Mr. multi-linguist here…. Well, it's far from perfect, in fact it's pretty dire at the moment. So many mistakes even on the simplest of words and phrases, but I'm of the opinion that something is better than nothing, besides Welsh is a hugely difficult language to learn and speak, so it's only fair to give them a chance. For those of us fluent in Welsh it is easy enough for us to see through the mistakes and understand what was meant, so I'm not overly bothered and as time goes by the translation matrix will improve and things will get ironed out.

A funny one for me was the non-specific difference between the north and south dialects. There are some words that cause some conflict between the polar opposites in Welsh, one is 'fox'. In the north we say 'llwynog', in the south they say 'cadno'. Same with 'frog', the north say 'llyffant' and the south say 'broga', not so much of a faux pas, both words are correct but in spoken and written Welsh you would tend to stick to the same dialect. So imagine my disbelief when I checked both words and it came out with only one translation, one was 'llwynog' for fox and the other was 'broga' for frog! Tut tut! Never mix your north and south I say! *rolls eyes*

I suppose the upshot of this is that nobody now has an excuse to not write me a letter/email in Welsh, also you now have the opportunity to look up those non-existent swearwords that people keep asking me to translate and then stare at me in disbelief when I try to explain that there are no swearwords in Welsh.

So come on readers, get onto the Google homepage and write me a comment in Welsh, dare you! 

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King, Don’t Eat It!

I know, I know, I don't post anything for ages and like a London bus, I post three all at once. So we have another episode of 'King Don't Eat It!' This time it's once that I have previously mentioned here on Vox, it's the Doner Kebab flavour Pot Noodle.

Donner Noodle

Yes folks, the hallowed Pot Noodle that every student in the UK has been searching for came into my possession last week due to the diligent searchings of Smiling Grump who found one on his travels to find more cake to stuff his face with.

For those of you who are not familiar with the Pot Noodle, they are a freeze dried snack which you add boiling water to, doesn't sound too bad until you actually put some in your mouth.  There are various flavours available, ranging from the benign Beef & Tomato to the exotic Bombay Bad Boy, a flavour I actually enjoy. But they are all generally the same and derided by food snobs as the food of the lower classes.

Now what can I say about this particular one? A doner kebab flavour. I suppose you should realise that a doner kebab is a staple of all drunk people after they tumble out of a nightclub looking for a taxi home, it's a right of passage that all kids go through, some like me never grow up and a night out is not complete without the prerequisite kebab before the punch-up at the taxi rank.  Combine the flavour with one of the most disgusting snacks available in a British supermarket and surely you have a marriage made in heaven? Not quite.

Noodle Contents

You see, the darn thing didn't taste of anything, I would liken it to a steaming pot of salty noodles, I might as well have been stuffing my face full of Ramen. A kebab should be as spicy as Shilpa Shetty's knickers and as meaty as Lucy Lawless' thighs, but this dire attempt at recreating the drunken kebab didn't even raise my hackles enough to take a swing at the incessant buzzing gnat that was trying its best to have a taste himself, let alone a big bruiser standing at a taxi rank.

I ended up adding some more chilli sauce into the mix to add a little vim to it.  The joyous thing about eating this Pot Noodle was it soon came to an end, never to be tried again.

Such a shame, I had high hopes for it.

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Tacheback

Well folks, this is a begging post, I'd like you all to sponsor me.  I'm attempting to grow a 'tache in aid of Everyman, the male cancer charity which funds vital research into testicular and prostate cancer. It's a worthy charity as there are over 36,000 cases of male cancer every year in the UK alone and it's a cause that is close to my heart due to my father contracting prostate cancer earlier this year.

Zulu Avatar

The gist of the fundraising event is to grow your mustache throughout the month of September as an act of solidarity for all male kind. I've cheated slightly as I didn't shave last week so I have a head start, but I don't think anybody will be holding it against me.

You can sponsor me here, any donation will be gratefully received however large or small.  I'll be posting a photo of the facial growth once a week, updates will be on the Tacheback website, Twitter and Facebook, if I remember I'll post a link here too.

As you can see from my slightly Photoshopped picture I have elected to go for the 'friendly mutton chop' look, yes I look ridiculous, so bear this in mind when you donate as I have to put up with this for a whole month. Who knows, I might actually get used to it and keep it.

Thanks to everyone who has already donated and thanks to all of you who will.

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Fairness

I got a letter through on Saturday from the benefits agency stating that I'm no longer eligible for Jobseekers Allowance, i.e. the dole.  According to their records I have not paid enough N.I. contributions over the last two years to qualify for any further benefits.  This leaves me in a bit of a pickle, I can't find a job and I don't have any money coming in.

This happened to the father of one of my friends recently, it took him six weeks to sort it all out so that his payments were resumed, but he was in a better position than I am as his wife was working so he still had food on the table.  I'm on my own and as I see it, after my money runs out in a few days I'll either have to beg on the streets or rob a bank.

I have an appointment on the 8th to try and resolve the situation, but that is over a week away and until then there is nothing I can do about the situation.  Obviously this is a cause of great worry, if it takes six weeks to sort out I will undoubtedly starve to death as I don't think I have the skills or resources to carry out a bank robbery.

What pisses me off is that since the age of fifteen I have worked my arse off in various jobs and paid my way. Over the last twenty years I have been unemployed for a total of nine months, that's including my current stint, so how on earth have I not paid enough into the system?

I know plenty of professional layabouts who are playing the system who are not even looking for work and they get everything handed to them on a silver platter. They invariably get more of a handout than I ever have and seem to be rolling in it, whilst I'm struggling to live on £180 a month, which is now being taken away. I just don't get it.

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Tegenaria Domestica

Or to the rest of us, the Common House Spider or the Barn Funnel Weaver Spider. I'd say that this little blighter is the bane of my existence, it scares me!

Tegenaria Domestica

Look at it, isn't it the most evil looking thing that you have ever seen?

I know they are not poisonous and they can't harm people but they instill an irrational response from me. Over the years I have been able to overcome my arachnophobia, a lot of species don't bother me anymore, but this little blighter does.

I only bring it up because I was about to get into bed and one of these little fuckers crawled right past my hand on the mattress and disappeared somewhere.  I'm now slightly afraid of going into the bedroom.

I mean, for goodness sake. I'm nearly 35, I'm a strong and able man. I've held my own in a 30 man brawl in a nightclub and I'd face down a Bengal Tiger. Nobody frightens me, even when I was threatened with a shotgun. But this little 10-15mm creature makes me scream like a little girl!

I just don't get it.

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Stuff

As some of you might already know, I've been helping out a friend of mine from my school days who is setting up a couple of businesses. She commented on Facebook that she wanted a few posters and leaflets and suchlike designed and wanted to know if anybody could help, so being bored I said I'd have a go.

Now six weeks down the line, two posters, two business cards, a brochure, a couple of leaflets and an advertising postcard later I think we're finally coming towards the end of the 'job'. I was just glad that I was able to help her out and that she was happy with what I produced for her. I said I was only doing it so I can use the designs in a portfolio for my own ends, i.e. looking for work and promoting how well I can design things; so imagine my surprise when I received and email last night that contained a hefty Amazon voucher.

I was pleased that she thought my efforts were worth so much, it was the last thing I expected, after all I did say from the beginning that I didn't want anything for the work as I was using the designs for myself. However I'm now in a slight quandary.

Having been out of work for seven months I have stopped looking at 'stuff'. 

I say 'stuff' in the way of gadgets, books dvd's, etc. The normal 'stuff' you would purchase through places like Amazon.  I have not had the spare cash to spend on such things so I've taken temptation out of the equation and haven't even looked at such sites or stores in months. 

So after such a sojourn away from the cutting edge of merchandising, I have no idea what to spend this voucher on.

I've been looking through Amazon and the only thing I have stumbled upon that I truly want to buy is Terry Pratchett's upcoming book, Unseen Academicals, but that's not coming out until October.

I think I've gone past being materialistic, I no longer need to own 'stuff', which is a surprise as I have always loved to shop. I think I've turned into a Buddhist.

So here I am with a voucher burning a hole in my virtual pocket and I don't know what to spend it on!

Suggestions on a KoA designed postcard please…. 

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Alan Alan Alan

There's this new program on BBC called "Walk on the Wild Side" that my friend John said I should have a look at. As I don't have a TV I had a quick peek on BBC iPlayer last night and I creamed my pants, it was that funny.

It's some of the best up and coming comedians from the UK doing voiceovers for wildlife footage, the results are hilarious.  I think this one is going to be an internet classic.

alan alan alan alan steve steve steve steve

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I’m Famous!

Well, sort of…

This healthcare debacle got me angry, so along with a few others on Twitter I was one of the first to voice my feelings on the now No.1 trending topic, #WeLoveTheNHS.  Along with everybody else at the time I didn't think much of it and just wanted to protest in my own little way.  I think I mentioned quite a few reasons why my family and I appreciate social healthcare.

So today The Guardian publishes an article and they mention one of my tweets as an example of the public anger over here in the UK over the slurs and mud raking that is going on over in the US. The Guardian! 

Pop here and see my finest hour!

I never used to be a fan of The Guardian because it was too liberal and in my youth I was slightly misinformed on my true political leanings, but with age and wisdom I have grown to realise what my politics are and the paper I should read is The Guardian. The only thing I don't like about the paper is their crossword, it's too easy.  So imagine my joy when I found out they used a statement from me! 

I have been thinking of writing a post about lazy journalism and the use of Twitter as an easy storyline, but now I have a vested interest as this little voice got heard through all of the noise and clamour of this issue and millions of people will read my words.

You might love or hate Twitter but as a way of fighting against untruth and giving the people a voice, it is second to none.

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