Broke

I had to go out this evening, a birthday party which I couldn't ignore. So despite my reservations I went.

I must admit I wasn't the life of the party and when my friend sat next to me and asked me if I needed to talk I broke down and cried.  I fucking cried in front of everyone.

I feel like a tit.  The more I tried not to shed tears, the more they seemed to come out.  I managed to compose myself after a few minutes, but I feel like everyone saw me naked.  In fact I'd rather they did see me naked, I could cope better with that as I have no inhibitions about my physical self.

I'm messed up and I don't know why.  I've been under much harsher pressures in my life, so why now?

I'm sorry readers, I just need to write these things out to sort out my head, it seems to work for me.

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Low

Apparently January 12th has been scientifically proven to be the most depressing day of the year.  People are on a low after the Christmas and New Year festivities and after a week back at work, it all seems mundane.  Bills are piling up, there isn't enough money to go around.  People are reminded that life isn't a constant party, it has its down side too.

Is this why I'm feeling like a lump cold shit? I don't know.  Here are some of the things that are depressing me, in no particular order.

Most of you know I absolutely hate my job, given a choice I'd rather burn the whole place down with everyone in it, but being a half reasonable bloke, I know I can't do that.  I'm really finding it extremely hard to even muster the self-worth to turn up, I've already skipped a couple of days this year.  The problem is, there is no work out there at the moment, nor is there likely to be, so I feel trapped in a dead-end job with no prospects.

I have bills, oh boy do I have bills!

I'm worried about my father, he's beginning his chemotherapy, three months in hospital with weekends at home. I'm worried that my mother will be alone all the time. I'm worried about my niece, her fits are getting worse due to her anti-rejection therapy.

My landlord wants me to get rid of my fishtank, I should, but they're my pets.

I'm lonely.  I have lots of friends, good ones too, but what I really want is someone to share my life with, I can get a shag whenever I choose to, within reason, I just want someone to be close to and fall asleep with at night.

Everything seems to have got on top of me recently, normally I'm the strongest minded person I know, nothing phases me, so why do I feel the way I do?

I'm booking an appointment with the doctor tomorrow just in case it's something other than ennui, perhaps he/she will send me to talk to someone or find that I have a chemical imbalance or something.

Something has to be done, I don't want to live like this, I used to have aspirations and dreams.  I think I've lost my way.

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First Aid

The other day I had to take a refresher course on First Aid, not a proper one, just an appointed persons course.

I went in there full of boredom, I've sat the full course once and twice I've sat through refreshers, so I thought that even though I'd lapsed in my refreshers, you have to retake them every three years, I expected to hear nothing new.  Ok, my last refresher was about five years ago, so I may have been slightly arrogant in my thinking, but I didn't expect so many changes.

The whole first aid business has been overturned, and it makes so much more sense to me now.  It did help that we had a tutor that was funny and was easily engaged when we had a question, plus we were allowed to take the piss, so poor Henry who ended up being my partner for most of the day got tickled, groped and made very uncomfortable by my physical closeness…lol

All the things I had learnt previously are no longer relevant, even CPR has changed. The only thing that seems to have remained the same is bandaging, which a five year old could do.

I'm glad I was forced to take the course, I certainly wouldn't have volunteered.  I'm even thinking I should return to academia because the whole thing was so enjoyable.

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Quorn

I ate Quorn, what has the world come to?

I know, I know… I'm not a vegetarian, nor will I ever be, but I needed something to make a curry with but meat is so bloody expensive nowadays I was compelled to try something new.  It's not much cheaper, but you get more for your money, so the frugal part of my personality took over and decided to ignore my one golden rule, you must eat as many animals as possible every day!

I'm the type of guy that orders the whitebait starter and a mixed grill every time, knowing full well that about 40 animals had to die to feed my face, so making a vegetarian meal for myself is something quite rare.  Don't get me wrong, I hold an award for cooking vegetarian meals, but for my personal dinner table, I need a 5lb lump of raw meat every time.

So, I know what you are going to ask.  Did I like it?

I have no real opinion on it to be honest.  It looked like chicken, it cooked like chicken, it's a bit softer than chicken, but there was no real flavour to it.  Ideal for dishes with rich sauces, like a curry, as long as you pack it out with something you can get your teeth into.

Would I eat it again?

I suppose so, but it will never ever replace the real thing.  I'll try to make a bolognaise with the mince version sometime, just to see if my lasagnes are as shit-hot as they normally are with real beef.

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Burn

I've just watched Burn After Reading by the Coen Brothers, I'm a big fan of their work, but this blew me away.

It's not very often I really laugh out loud during a film, but towards the end I couldn't contain myself, some true belly laughs tumbled out.

If you get a chance to watch this, please do, it's now one of my favourites.

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What’s Your Rating?

Seeing that there is some ridiculous talk about rating websites with a film-like rating due to their content, I thought I'd rate mine.

I was quite surprised to find I'm only a PG.

I'd better start spicing things up…lol

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The Classic Classical

I've always loved classical music from a young age, I suspect most of you are like me, you know all of the tunes but you don't know who wrote the compositions nor what their names are.  So for the last few weeks I've been trawling through my collection and I've made a list of some Classics that everyone knows and should be in each of your own collections.  I promise you that you have heard all of these masterful works, whether it be on an advert, film or just as a piece of magic.

So, on with the list.

O Fortuna (Carmina Burana) Carl Orff

Gymnopedie No.1 Erik Satie

Rhapsody in Blue George Gershwin

Prelude (Carmen) George Bizet

Largo Al Factotum (Il Barbiere Di Siviglia) Gioachino Rossini

La Donna E Mobile (Rigoletto) Guiseppe Verdi

Va, Pensiero (Chorus of Hebrew Slaves) Guiseppe Verdi

La Forza Del Destino (Overture) Guiseppe Verdi

Libiamo Ne'lieti Calici (La Triviata) Guiseppe Verdi

Jupiter, The Bringer of Jollity Gustav Holst

Belle Nuite, O Nuit D'amour Jaques Ofenbach

Canon in D Johann Pachelbel

Air 'On the G String' Johann Sebastian Bach

Brandenburg Concerto No.3 in G Johann Sebastian Bach

On The Beautiful Blue Danube Johann Strauss

Dome Epais (Flower Duet) Leo Delibes

Moonlight Sonata Ludwig van Beethoven

Symphony No.5 in C Minor Ludwig van Beethoven

Bolero Maurice Ravel

Tocatta & Fugue Johann Sebastian Bach

Swan Theme Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Piano Concerto No.1 in B Flat Minor Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Allegro Moderato Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Waltz of the Flowers (Nutcracker) Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

1812 – Festival Overture Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Also Sprach Zarathustra Richard Strauss

The Ride of the Valkyries (Die Walkure) Richard Wagner

The Flight of the Bumblebee Rimsky – Korsakov

Adagio for Strings Samuel Barber

Montagues & Capulets Sergei Prokofiev

Eine Kleine Nachtmusik Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Le Nozze Di Figaro Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

This is by no means a definitive list of the best classics, it's just some of my favourites and should be treated as such, I'm sure there are many glaring omissions here, perhaps one or two of you could enlighten me but I hope that you will agree that these would be an excellent starting point for someone who would like to begin to enjoy Classical Music.

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Yay! No!

Some kind soul has decided to install a wireless broadband connection somewhere in my vicinity and didn't password protect it, so for the last few hours I have managed to piggyback on their connection to download all the updates and firmware that I needed, including SimCity for the iPhone.  So far it's pretty good, I'm starting small and hoping everything will go well.  I always used to run out of cash by building too much too soon trying to keep all my citizens happy, not this time jack!

Anyhow less about bandwidth theft, let me babble on about my feelings about my old pub.  Last night the place was full of scumbags and three of the regulars came up to me to vent their frustrations about the place going to the dogs.  I agree with them that the place needs stricter management, but whenever I mention anything to the current management I just get ignored, even when I'm pointing out illegalities or potential flair-ups.  Last night was pretty hairy in there, so much so I felt I no longer wished to be there, so I went early, knowing full well if something did get out of hand, it would have had to be me that would have had to deal with it.

What do I care?  I only spent three years of my life building the place and running it… 

To be honest, if there was another pub in town that was worthy of my custom I would have gone there instead, unfortunately there isn't at the moment and nor is there likely to be.  So we seem to be stuck in the only establishment in town that is slowly changing its character into what I would only describe as a hive of dealing and troublemaking.

Shame really.

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Xmas Day

Well, merry christmas everyone, hope you all are having a fun time.  Personally I'm bored shitless as I'm sat here staring at a TV with both my parents watching Coronation Street, what a joy!

I'm two thirds of the way through two bottles of red wine and I still feel quite sober and to be honest, I don't think that the evening is going to get any more eventful.

I didn't get to actually open any gifts because I didn't get any, well, I tell a lie, Fundy & Squilla sent me a lovely package from Oz, which really did make my christmas and my mum has been getting into her digital photography of late and she developed an old picture of me and Charlie Cat and framed it.  I look stupid in it, but it will look great over the fishtank, but I opened the Oz package yesterday and mums gift wasn't wrapped and she showed me it the minute I arrived.

The thing is, I had a couple of invites to go elsewhere, parties which would more than likely be very good, but alas I feel obliged to return to Wales each year because my other siblings have families so my parents would be alone unless I returned.  I don't mind as such, but it does feel like I have to give up my christmas enjoyment because I know I'd have so much more fun elsewhere.

I'm fed up of my hometown, I don't know anyone here anymore.  Chatting to some random strangers at a bar can be fun, but at this time of year I'd much rather be spending it with my friends.

Christmas cheer, I have none.. Bah humbug!!!

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Fat Me

I've spent a good deal of today scanning old photos of me and my family, some of which have ended up on Facebook just to cause some embarrassment to my sisters and my nephews and nieces.  The sister closest in age to me still lives in my hometown, so she came round this afternoon and told me off for putting up a really bad 80's perm photo of her, but she then helped me find some more terrible pictures of the family to post, so the Christmas spirit runs deeply in our family… hehehe

Me as a baby

So not to be outdone by all of these silly photos, I'm going to post another picture of me as a youngster, slightly younger than the last one, in fact it's a look I quite like, I might have to shave my head and put on a few pounds to look like this again.

What do you reckon?

I think I look like the most beautiful baby ever born and I don't even look like Winston Churchill.

I love the way I have a tight T.shirt on with the braces, showing off my muscles like a neo-nazi, all I need is a swastika tattoo and a pair of Doc Martins!

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