Next Door

I'm sorry Vox, for I have sinned, I have not posted in nearly a week and I seek absolution…

I have taken a few Hail Mary's, they enjoyed the experience I hope, even though they might have been seeking a reward or special privilege for the honour I bestowed them.  But that is another post which at the moment, I'm frankly faaar to tired to write…

My reason for writing this evening is this…

Neighbours are a pain, but I expect most of you know that.  

Some of you might live in one of those neighbourhood communes that only allows a certain type of family into their wing, and if you don't cut your lawn on Monday, you could face a hefty fine or a compulsory buy-out by your understanding neighbours, along with castigation and most likely some cannibalisation.  Even Jonesians treated their own better..

I however live in a normal area, where people have respect for each others lifestyles, regardless if they would like a pink letterbox.

But as this respectful understanding goes, my new cohabitants next door have pissed me off slightly….

 

They moved in two weeks ago and ever since then it's been noise, noise, noise!!!!  The neighbour I have upstairs has complained to the Police an a few occasions and they have turned up and done nothing most times. She's a;ready organised to move out because she can't put up with it.

Now I'm of a mind that on a weekend, you can make as much noise as you want, as long as you are prepared to receive the same noise back when I feel like a party.  My new neighbours find it fun to party every night of the fucking week, along with fighting and door banging and generally getting me less sleep.

Yesterday morning my upstairs neighbour actually got out of bed to talk to be at silly o'clock in the morning to discuss the situation, I was too tired to even get a grip on what she was saying, I then had to drive for half an hour to work and  ended up not being able to reverse park my car properly, it actually took me two tries, and this is from a guy who can steer a lot of tonnage on a penny!

So this evening, I'm wide awake, waiting for it to start again, but with a slight difference, I have readied a hatchet next to my front door, and as God as my witness, I'm going to fucking maim those cunts if they start anything this evening… slowly…

Let's hope it doesn't come to that…

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King Don’t Eat It! No.1

Pickled Walnuts

Whilst in Lancaster I found these horrible looking things. Pickled Walnuts, who on earth thought that pickling a nut would be a good idea? In malt vinegar too.  The jar contained about five black balls of nastiness, which looked nothing like walnuts to me.

Opies Pickled Walnuts

I already have an aversion to any food that is black in colour, this one was no exception.  The smell that came out of the jar was nasty enough in itself.

Let us look at the history of the Pickled Walnut before we go onto the tasting notes.

The walnuts used for this delicacy are usually the English or Persian Walnut, and some recipes which have been found suggest that pickled walnuts were being prepared in the area now occupied by Iran some 8000 years ago, hence why they look and taste like dinosaur droppings. They became a delicacy in Britain during the 1800's and are usually found on dining tables during Christmas time.

What I didn't realise is that the walnuts are picked when they have reached their full size but before the shell has formed within the fruit, hence why they are smooth rather than looking like a brain.

Opened jar

Once picked they are soaked in brine for a month before being air dried for a few days, this is when the fluids in the walnut cause a chemical reaction for them to turn black.  They are then pickled either in malt vinegar or a honey solution, mine were the malt vinegar type.

They can be eaten straight away, but the flavour intensifies with maturation…

So, after opening the jar, which produced a slightly pungent aroma in the kitchen, I was faced with what looked like a rotten beetroot.  To be honest I didn't fancy even touching it let alone sticking it in my mouth.

Me and my nuts

But in the interest of making a humorous blog post that nobody will read, I gallantly stuck my hand in and fished out what I can only describe as a squishy testicle.

It's at this point I had to leave it on the jar lid for a moment, contemplating whether or not to actually go ahead with this pointless endeavour.  Just looking at it was making me queazy.

But with true British grit and an adventurous spirit, plus being watched by five or so people, the humiliation of not going through with it would be far more displeasing than actually eating it, I took a bite.

The texture in my mouth was like a soft boiled eyeball without the crunchy bits.  There was nothing really to get your teeth into, which slightly disappointed me as I quite like nuts usually.  This just made it feel like a stale nut in my mouth, one I should have thrown away three years ago.  The smell also reminded me of conkers, because one way to make a conker harder was to steep it in vinegar and bake it, so deep down in my soul I was ruining a childhood memory.

After the first bite

The taste was quite unbearable, very acidic from the vinegar, and a slight mustiness like old wet socks.  I could put up with the taste, but it was the texture and how it fell apart in my mouth is what actually made me want to spit it out.  Plus when you pick it out of the jar, you have this horrible feeling that you are just about to eat a testicle and to be honest, once I bit a chunk out of one, it actually did look like a severed gonad.

Well, this is the first of many posts I hope, I just need to find more disgusting sounding foodstuffs.  I apologise for the quality of the photos, there were a few drinks on board by then.

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Playing God Again….

I'm one of these people that is fascinated by science, I read about everything that comes to the public view, and sometimes I wonder if we are going too far.  I know to better ourselves we need to push the envelope of science as far as we possibly can, but sometimes I wonder if we need to follow certain avenues.

One such avenue is reverse genetics, specifically Jurassic Park-like DNA sequencing. They are proposing to use genetic information to reverse engineer a mammoth using hair from a fossil and an egg from an African elephant.

There is a certain amount of theological issues going on here, do we need to do such a thing?  I don't think so, what do we achieve by doing it?  It's just going to end up being a fairground ride attraction like the book/film warned us about.

I'm of the thinking a mammoth will resurface should the world turn cold enough because today's elephants carry the information within them already, they have the potential to evolve, or de-evolve to cope with harsher conditions on this planet, should there be any to do so.  Who are we to push the fold for our entertainment, and lets face it, it is for entertainment value rather than scientific betterment.

I'll also touch on some stem-cell research that is the opposite of what I'm arguing about, because the potential here will empower mankind and save lives although many people misunderstand what is going on within this particular subject due to a lot of misinformation.

And they reckon they have finally found evidence of dark matter… It's truly interesting times we live in.

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Are We Just Numbers?

I was reading this article on Supercomputers this morning.  Very impressive what they have managed to produce, a computer that has broken the petaflop barrier of one quadrillion floating point calculations per second.  Doesn't really mean much to me but towards the bottom of the article it stated that Raymond Kurzweil believed that the human brain has the power of 10 petaflops and we should be able to equal this processing power within seven years.

I have touched upon this subject a few times.  Are we playing God with silicone?  Will these supercomputers be aware once they reach a certain amount of processing power?

From my foray into early biology I was taught that certain size brains are capable of varying amounts of consciousness, i.e. a fly will be capable of reflexive and automotive responses and will have no capability for reasoning compared to a human brain that can differentiate between emotion and religion for instance.  More recent studies have shown that what we used to consider 'lower' life forms have brains that are very close to our own and and are capable of basic mathematics and adaptive learning.

I'm utterly convinced that pets like dogs and cats have highly evolved emotional structures and have a basic understanding of right and wrong, but from time to time a dog will turn on its master, as will any other animal.  Could this be true of a supercomputer?  If a human brain is measured at 10 petaflops, surely a dog is capable of at least one petaflop? Does this mean that these new breed of supercomputers are capable of dog-like sentience?

Will we in seven years time be holding a theological conversation with a computer?  Scary thought isn't it…. 

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Mac v PC

I urge you to read this little snippet…

It's so true though, time for the PC brigade to think of better arguments for their archaic structure.

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Lancastrian Weekend

On Friday evening my mate Lee and I went on a long drive up to Lancaster University to spend the weekend with my old Squeeze, yup, I don't think there is anything there at all now, she could hardly bring herself to look at me, let alone anything else.  Anyhow, I didn't let that interfere with enjoying the weekend.

Her mates are pretty cool, they all seem well suited to each other and seem to enjoy each others company, which is a real boon if you have to live with them, unlike when I was in university.  My first year flatmates were a nightmare.

I found the place pretty standard in the way most universities are, full of students, lots of booze and the same old campus routines, in fact I started to feel young again, but this soon came to an end when I awoke the next morning.

Anyhow, the first evening was spent having drinks in the kitchen with her mates before going out into Lancaster itself. I was quite merry before going out, and whilst waiting for the bus one of her mates who was already far too drunk to even walk fell over a fence into a bush, I only wish I had a camcorder to show you,it was hilarious.

We managed to get into the city pretty quick and went into a club that was the normal Friday night haunt for the students, mainly because the drinks were 89p a go, and the music was ok too.  I don't remember much of the evening to be quite honest, a lot of dancing and making a fool of myself must have happened.  We finished the night back on campus stuffing our faces with junk food.

One thing I will say about Lancaster, they don't know how to make a kebab, the sauce is far too hot and it's miniscule, which is certainly not what you want when you are pissed, you need lots of crap food that you can chow down on in seconds, not a bum-burner that leaves you hungry for more.

The second day saw us all awaking mid-afternoon after hardly any sleep at all, due to everyone snoring their heads off, plus the fact we slept on the floor as she only had a single bed and nowhere else for us to stay.

We had agreed the day before that we would visit Blackpool for the day just to remind ourselves what the place was like.

Blackpool once had the reputation of being the best holiday destination that the UK had to offer, in fact the last time I went there, about 25 years ago, it wasn't too bad, I think I enjoyed it, al the illuminations, going up the tower, funfair, all the usual stuff.

Today is a stark reversal, the place is a pikey heaven, dirty, unimaginative and above all, dull.  I can't stress how shit the place has become.  I think we managed to spend about an hour or so there, walking, or limping around the place as we all had bad legs.

The evening arrived quickly enough and we had a couple of beers at the Grad Bar, before going out on the tiles once more in Lancaster.  We tried one place that was meant to have a good reputation, in fact it was a drug den with several fights awaiting to happen.

We left to find this other place which looked like a tiny bar, but once we bought our drinks we found that it had a dancefloor to the rear of the place and it played some classic dance tunes which were mostly from my era, much to my delight.  I got quite drunk and had to go eat, and during that time I was alone in the city I saw three fights and more drunk people than I have seen in a long time.

I remember getting home and knowing I was cold to the bone, I put my coat on and sat on the bed, with the full intention of getting out of the way when the others came in after they had finished their smoke, but I fell asleep on all the bedding and neither of them saw fit to move me until I woke up and swapped places with Squeeze.

I still woke up fully dressed in my coat though, stiff as buggery feeling more tired than ever due to Lee's snoring.

Anyhow, we gathered our shit together and made ready to leave.  This is when she stated that we could have had mattresses if she could be bothered to sign us in!  Two nights sleeping on a cold floor!! Gah!

Anyhow, we finished off our weekend with the pub quiz, which we won.

I awoke on Monday morning feeling terrible though, not due to the weekend either, I think I got the bug.  I was meant to go to Manchester to work for the week, but alas I have been in my sick-bed.  Shitty way to end the weekend, but rest assured we'll be doing at least one weekend away each month from now on if funds allow.

Next one is North Wales, should be quite a culture shock for Lee.. hehehe

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Mixture

You know? Sometimes I wonder….

This evening I saw a twelve year old play at an open mic night and totally stole the show from his parents who most likely were living their pop dreams through him.

I also saw drug dealers working and taking their wares less than six feet away from this kid.

I also tried contacting my girlfriend only to receive no response.

I also had two phonecalls from girls who were more than willing to ask me to their beds, individually I may add…

Is it a wonder why I'm slightly muddled?

There is a demand on my time around this time of year. I have to find time to visit the family due to Christmas, which I have allotted time for.  I have a friend who is visiting, I have made time for.  I have arranged to take a mate to Wales and to Lancaster, all arranged, and still things are clashing already.  I simply can't be everywhere at once.

I also want to murder those three people who gave so much pain to Baby P. But I'm sure I'd be only one in a very long line. 

This was never designed to be a good post, I just needed to vent some stuff.

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Forkin’ Hell

I have a Saturday morning ritual, when I get out of bed early that is.  I like to go down the shops and buy a newspaper and my breakfast, which will almost always be a Pot Noodle and a pint of milk.  It's quick and easy and although most people would vomit at the thought of eating a Pot Noodle, I don't mind them.  After all, how can you dislike a 'food' that comes in it's own bowl and is ready in 4 minutes after adding boiling water?

Anyhow, for weeks now I have been trying my damnedest to win a Pot Noodle Fork, it's one of these buy the product and open it to see if you have won type things.  I think I may have eaten about twenty or thirty of the things to finally open a Pot with a winning lid!

Pot Noodle Fork

So after filling in the online form with this huge number, I will soon be a lucky owner of one of these babies.  The coolest thing about it is, I wont have to twirl the fork manually anymore, it's all automatic, so gone are those days of wrist pain from having to do it for myself.  All I need now is a pretty woman to actually boil the kettle and feed me.. hehe

The silly thing is, you can actually buy these forks online from Pot Noodle, for the princely sum of £3.99, free P&P, so if I actually just went and bought one I would have saved myself a mint.  I also feel sorry for those idiots who are buying them off eBay, I saw one sell for £6.50 and £2.50 postage a few hours ago!  How bloody stupid is that?

Anyhow, for those of you who think that this novelty fork is just a vibrator in disguise, I'll let you know what it's like when it arrives.

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A Slight Moistness in the Night

Well, I say night, but in fact it was this morning some time as I'm working nights again.

I awoke today around 1pm, nice and warm under my duvet, thinking I'd better get up and do something, like stuff my face as I seem to be constantly hungry nowadays.  So I do my usual rolling around in my bed, looking for my phone to see what time it is and looking for my pen which I normally find embedded in one of my ass cheeks from doing yesterdays crossword and falling asleep.  Then I noticed that I was feeling a little damp.

My initial thought was 'Oh my God, I've pissed myself in my sleep!' Something I haven't done since I was a wee lad, pardon the pun.  How could this be?  I haven't even been drinking!!! Then I thought, 'Nah, I'm too controlled to piss myself, what the hell is going on here!!!???'

Turns out my hot water bottle has a leak and over the few hours of sleepy-time, it's dripped all over the place and made me and the bed all wet.

Damn thing!

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Downward

I spent a couple of years of my life working and building something up that I believed in strongly; something I felt that would outlive me and certainly worthy of going without monetary reward. For me it was my previous pub.  I saw a community centre and a great place for local music and art.

This evening I was subject to watching drug users and underage children using the place without challenge, a ketamine user actually helping the assistant manager to collect glasses whilst I warned the current manager of the problem, he just walked away and went home while my friend listened to him brag about his usage.

I'm more than disappointed.

I should call the law, but is it my place to do so?

As Will sometimes asks, thoughts?

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